Saturday, January 10, 2009

Shirtless Obama Sets Dangerous Example For Future WASPy Presidents

We’ve all seen the photos of Obama walking out of the gym with his shirt off. The President has a better physique than most community organizers half his age. He’s more physically active than most presidents before him and I get the feeling that manliest-of-presidents Teddy Roosevelt would love to spar with him. After viewing the photo above, the NRA should have no fear of Obama, as they would clearly see that Obama has two tickets to the gun show.

Despite packing all that heat, and despite all the hope and change the nation has in Obama (and why is it that only the politically right refer to Obama as the “Messiah?”), it’s time for him to reign in his influence and pull back from the extravaganza. He’s already pushing well-established boundaries for the good of the nation. Obama is the hero for the small popular and the huge electoral majority of the nation, and he’s well aware that he leads by example; you just can’t be that eloquent and educated without knowing the impact you can have on people. As we all know, through great persuasion and with full knowledge of his audience, the great William Jefferson Clinton taught an entire generation that the definition of sex is highly subjective. Any man can have a chance with a much younger lady as long as he's smooth and quick with the words. Among other reasons, that's why he's called Slick Willy.

(Clinton jokes never get old.)

He'll Pump Them Up

This time, Obama’s pushed things too far and too progressively. Sure, he’s shown that he has both political and physical muscle, but if history and statistics show anything, it’s that our elected leaders tend to be, and to put this lightly, saggy-old-wrinkly. And if they’re not booby-obese-pasty, then it’s usually booby-obese-pasty. God forbid, sometimes we occasionally have a mix of the two groups, which would then make them wrinkly-old-saggy-booby-obese-pasty, or SOWBOP for short. Since Benjamin Franklin, SOWBOPs as a group have been a respected and time-honored American institution, and every political generation, from the First Continental Congress to the election of Howard Taft to the reelections of blubbery John Murtha and continuous-victim-of-gravity Mitch McConnell has had large numbers of such.

A Body-ferred is a Body-nied

Now, if you’re thinking that perhaps this is a shallow, ageist look at the presidency, you would not be wrong. However, there is mostly no need to look at things from a physical perspective because presidents tend to be educated, well-intentioned, hard-working individuals of civic and civil service. SOWBOPs sometimes pull off incredible feats of political maneuvering and dealing or tackle issues of extreme complication to exercise their power. Basically, the more of a SOWBOP you are, the more effective at the job you are (for better or for worse), exercising the affluent demur and privilege that excessive lobbying, self-indulgence, and gorging can afford.

Ultimately the evidence that SOWBOPs prove that in exchange for physical fitness (and a functional heart and/or sober mind), one is very competent and masterful in the area of politics. The social expectation is that if you’re not pretty, you’re smart, and vice-versa. It’s a tenet that’s not always followed, that once in a great while someone comes along who is both smart AND pretty, as is the case of porn legend/MENSA scholar Asia Carrera and Nobel Peace Prize winner-turned-1970s heartthrob Henry Kissinger.

Don't tell me that you wouldn't tap them.

But no, Mister President-Elect, way to ruin it for future presidents, should they be in the molds of our Lyndon Johnsons or Ronald Reagans or Bill Clintons or Grover Clevelands, or again, our Teddy Roosevelts. Presidents who weren’t pleasing to the eye but were relatively good at their jobs (Opinions may differ, but you have to be somewhat good to win an election) exchanged looks for intelligence, and we the American people accepted that. If the next president, be it Democrat or Republican, ends up looking like this:
(His secret bunker's not just for hiding.)

…and decides to flaunt it because of his predecessor Obama, we have Obama to blame. If Obama’s policies work and improve the nation, making great strides to enhance the future of America, we expect future elected leaders to rightfully follow that example. If our leaders follow the wrong examples that Obama sets forth, we could end up damaging the nation, perhaps irrevocably so.

Rest Between Reps

Now, one of the legendary things about the presidency is that it accelerates the aging process. Two-term presidents look as if they’ve aged sixteen years rather than eight. I wish nothing but the best of luck to Obama, but if he turns from physically fit to SOWBOPs, it would be the most extraordinary change indeed, and all the more reason to enforce the classic decree set forth by our forefathers of the “No Shoes, No Shirt, No Service” policy, a variation of the classic “No Head, No Rule” decision set forth by King Louis XVI.

Look at that smug, bodiless bastard.

In our forefathers’ wisdom, the reasoning is really quite threefold:

1). SOWBOPs would be discouraged from taking off their shirts, thus saving this nation another collective heart attack in a post-Obama world.

2) There would be much more pressure on, well, everyone to focus on policy and government rather than petty gossip.

3) The bar wouldn’t be set so high for a combination of physical and mental abilities for future aspiring politicians who wish to attain and maintain SOWBOP status as the apex of their professional careers. After all, if you’re cut and in your physical prime, then you're automatically disqualified from such status.

Obama's made giant leaps to fulfill the wish that a public official not be judged by the color of his skin, but by the content of his character. For all the news about his Cabinet picks and his policy planning and his meetings, there's been much public focus on his body than his mind. The content of his character was news a year ago, but now the cut of his skin (and what a cut) threatens the pasty, thick status quo that was already lost last November.

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